Hey guys, I haven’t been the best blogger lately, the reason why is my lack of inspiration to blog. I love writing and expressing myself but I’m at this place, right now where I question everything. Every time I wanna blog I question myself to whether it’s good enough for my audience. Like what do you want me to talk about…. do you even care about what I have to say or are my words just jumbles of letters piled together with pretty pictures on a blog. I’m going through a stage in my life where I can feel myself transitioning , so it’s hard for me to reflect that into my blog, physical appearance and life when I don’t fully understand it myself. I can feel this transition is for the better. I’m an adult now and I have a lot on my plate. I use to just wing shit that came my way with out fully thinking about it completely. My motto was that’s just life, You live and you learn…. Yes you do live and you learn but I have now come to fully understand and realize every decision you make effects your life whether it be big or small.
I keep looking back at the past year to 4 years of my life and BOY have I changed. Mostly for the better but I have played positions out of my character that I don’t necessarily regret but I’m not to proud of because I’m facing the re precautions now. Even thou I didn’t see that decision effecting my life then it sure is, now. Life has truly been a roller coaster ride and I feel that right now in my life that I’m finally off the roller coaster but because I have grown accustom to the drama and crazy ups and downs that this still water feeling is making me crazy. I feel uneasy, unsure, scared that this happiness I finally have a hold of is a big undercover joke or gimmick. I’m tired of playing the fool and being the one that gets the dirty end of the stick.
I’m a natural optimist but I have grown to become a pessimist which bothers me so much. Every time something good comes in to my life, I question its sincerity, because my past has proved that nothing is ever 100%.
Is it truly foolish to keep an open heart for something genuinely good? I have battled with untrue “best friends”, un-loyal boyfriends, family drama and self acceptance and I still seem to have a hope and an open heart for potential good, yet I question it. I think at this point of my life I have to figure out mainly who I really am. Yes I have gain confidence but people change every day and I feel because I know I have changed from who I was yesterday that right now it’s difficult for me to define who I really am correctly.
I know what I’m not and I know what I want, right now that makes the most sense. This blog has no real concept besides me just talking to you. I want to come to you all as the real me. Not who you think I am from what you see on this blog or on any social network. Some may think I’m living an amazing life because I’m a model, an artist, a teacher but in reality I’m still chasing the paper to pay my rent and bills. Life isn’t easy and all I’m doing is trying to make life as good as I feel it can be. I’m striving to live that Beyoncé life, where I can sit back and appreciate my hard work paying off. I know that life is coming but I still have a lot of working to do. Sucks I’ve been lacking inspiration for the past few months.
Good news is my days have been getting brighter. My smile has been showing more often and I’m unfortunately gaining weight so my ass is bigger lol. My beau doesn’t seem to mind that at all. Probably once I get my ball rolling again everything will fall into place perfectly and the content of this blog will be more intriguing and fun.
That’s all that’s on my mind….till next time. XOXO-Tee
